Christmas Eve

It's been a busy day for us!

Side note: my new blog entries will consist mostly of my feelings, emotions and taking steps towards a new future. 

With that being said, there were lots of tears today!!! So now, my head is pounding, my eyes burn and I'm tired! I moved a few loads out of the house and to storage today. I seriously have some bipolar issues or something. With the first load, I was blaring some old school rap from the 90's and jamming out all by myself. (Mom took Dallas to the store) I got out at storage and unloaded my stuff like a champ! 

Music turned up, dancing, sun shining...I just knew it was going to be a great day! Next load, I cried the entire way there! What the heck?!? Pure craziness I tell ya. In all fairness, I am supposed to start my period tomorrow and the week of, hit my emotions like a ton of bricks. I try and pay attention to myself, and I have noticed my emotional state is whack. It didn't used to be this way growing up, or even before Dallas. Now, it's like I'm a teen going through all of this for the first time. It really does bother me because I get so negative and everything is amplified. 

There was a lot of back and forth bickering today between Lance and I. Hence all the tears and sobbing. I've realized its a vicious cycle, and I am creating my own Hell. It usually goes like this; Lance checks in on Dallas during the day and asks if he can see him when he gets off. Of course I say sure. Later that evening, something comes up. He mostly has customers late...but then I catch him in a lie or he makes something up. I can't help but assume the worst :-/ it drives me crazy and I wish I could just shut my feelings and emotions off. (If I only knew where that switch was) then I proceed with taking out my anger on him through texting and reminding him of how awful he is to Dallas. Which leads to him ignoring me (me assuming the obvious) or bantering back and forth with me. Neither of which are healthy for me moving forward!!! I mostly drift off to sleep about 1:00 or 2:00am...have bad dreams all night about Lance and wake up around 5:00am. To get back to sleep, I snuggle up to my sweet Dallas. Thank God for this little boy!!! He drives me crazy and keeps me sane! Lol, if that makes any sense. 

Robby and I went to the Christmas Eve service at church this evening while Lance played with Dallas at the house for a little bit. Mom stayed home because she hasn't been feeling well. I don't want to get into detail, but once again...I asked about who wrapped the presents, and who the ones were for still in the truck. That used to be my job, and it hurts that Lance doesn't need me the way he used to. It doesn't feel good thinking he got some hooker presents either...when he never remembered me :-/ I know what your thinking, but be patient with me while I whine & complain. This is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and it totally sucks! I think I am going to start going to a 12 step recovery class at church. I honestly feel like Lance is an addiction for me. I need to rid him of my life (just keep our relationship business style for Dallas) and get "clean!" He absolutely ripped my heart to small little  pieces. I know I hurt him, but I don't think he loved me the way I loved him. He was my world, I just wished he'd make some changes. I was willing to keep trying and stick by my husbands side. I never wanted any of this. However, I stopped putting effort and needed him to pick up the slack for awhile...but it wasn't a two way street. Okay, enough of that crap for now.

Positively speaking, we made cookies for Santa and reindeer food to sprinkle outside for the deer to find their way. 

Lance and I got Bubba Bear ready for bed together. Pjs, books, and a vtamin for the both of them. It's hard on me, but I am thankful we can still do things together for our main man. He is what matters most. I would do anything to keep his life positive and as smooth as possible. We both laid here quietly in the dark with Dallas listening to Christmas music until he fell asleep. When I heard him snoring, I snuck out to the kitchen to start my stuff for tomorrow. Shortly after, Lance came out. We hugged and said Merry Christmas. It was hard knowing I would be playing Santa alone :( I enjoyed doing that together. I missed our traditions, but I'll look forward to a time when we (dallas and I) start new ones. I sent him a message when he left and said I was really going to try and be nicer to him & thanked him for helping put Dallas to sleep so he could have some normalcy. Tomorrow morning he's coming over at 10 to watch Dallas open presents and see what Santa brought him. Everything is different now, and it's incredibly hard :( it's heart wrenching and tears me apart. I dread anyone else having to go through the hurt and pain I feel constantly all day, everyday. I am mentally exhausted and physically drained from it all. Although, tomorrow is a new day...if the good Lord wakes me to enjoy another glorious day I will make the best of it. I am tired of these feelings and ready to put the past behind me. I am ready to see what God has in store for us. I am ready to let God work in me and through me. I know my heart is hardened but please give me strength to make it through Christmas Day. I have to remind myself to take one day at a time. I am excited about trying out a few new breakfast casseroles & yummy "Christmas" lasagna for a late lunch/dinner. Dallas has so many presents to open, and I can't wait to see what Santa brought with him!! :) 

Almost a year later...

My oh my how our lives have changed for 2014. It's almost been a whole year from blogging and posting. This can't entirely be blamed on my stressful situation. This is in part due to switching phones a few times, forgetting my login username and or password.

 

However, I am going to use this as a form of release and healing. I need an outlet, and this is perfect for me. The other thing I could use is a gym membership at a place that's 24-7 with a sauna! That would be an incredible outlet as well! Lol, until then, I will have to make do. Not sure how to start, so let's just jump right in...Towards the end of the summer I moved to my parents to give Lance space after he caught me talking to another male inappropriately. Long story short, I made a mistake. I was looking for attention, and totally went about that in the wrong way! Lol, obviously ;-) we were slowly growing apart and I believe our priorities had changed. We weren't united and I think we were on two different pages. I was wanting more family time and commitment from my husband, and he was more interested in relaxing and unwinding after a hard days work by drinking beer with new buddies from work. (I was uncomfortable with the situation and addressed it a few times) I usually tried to be understanding and reasonable. However, I was very uncomfortable with his choices. We were supposed to be a team, and couldn't grasp his side :-/ attitudes became worse towards one another and disagreements were more often. I was so lonely. It sucked. When I told Lance how I felt he seemed to blow me off like I was dramatic. At one point he told me, "he was a grown man who worked hard for his family and if he wants to go out after work he will, and if he wants to have drinks with his friends, he will." It hurt my feelings so bad!!!! It was like a slap in the face. He didn't value what was important to me, his wife. I was feeling more and more like the house keeper, babysitter, maid, cook, definitely not like his wife...at all. Needless to say, we have both said very hateful things out of anger but are working on being better parents for Dallas' sake. (Well, we talked about it, but I'm not sure how committed Lance is) anyway, Dallas has his mama and I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here for him 1,000% always and forever. 

I read my bible often and know God has something bigger and better in store for my son and I. I am looking forward and take baby steps everyday.