Tuesday...

Tuesday July 14th,2015

There is no way at this moment I feel like blogging, so for that reason...I am hoping to get some things off my chest and pray these feelings go away!!!! It was a decent day, then somewhere this evening things took a turn for the worst. I was short and snappy to my mom and Dallas :( I made both of them cry as well as myself. I'm going to start my period this week, and man these hormones certainly do take a dip, surge or something. The feelings I get are awful I tell ya. Like I need a dr to know what's going on and fix me! I don't know if it's my crazy lady pill or my birth control or what it is...or could just be that I need to cut Lance out of my life as much as I can. I'm trying to focus on starting my life over for D & I. I am trying to make good choices. I feel so needy and helpless. I feel so alone & whiney. I'm laying in bed, crying next to my son while he's sleeping so peacefully. I feel lost in this big ol' world. Sometimes I look back and wonder why does it have to be this way?? I never wanted this, I just wanted my husband to love me & pay attention to me. He doesn't understand me. He doesn't even know me anymore. I don't even know who I am. I feel like everyday is a step forward but to where? I don't know where I'm going. I know that I've got to invest more in God. 

Friday fun!!

We saw the new Minions movie this morning!! It was cute! The kiddos seemed to like it and that's all that matters!! :) We went to McDonald's afterwards 🍟 for playtime and happy meals, complete with Minion toys. 

Shannon invited us over for more playing, so we headed to Heartland! By the way, Dallas and I had to stop for gas, a car wash and a little Frappe' treat! ;-) I love getting my car washed now!! They have a special for exterior only washes: 30 washes, 30 consecutive days for $30. 💸I've been thinking about trying it out for a month. The normal outside wash & dry is $6, then to add armoral to the tires it's an additional $4. (If you do the exterior package, you can upgrade and pay the difference on any given day) It seems like a good deal to me, but I would want to make sure I get my money's worth! :) Money is a little tighter when you don't work the one night you're supposed to and you spend it like its going out of style ;-) it's just money, can't take it with us when we go!! 

I spray tanned Ashley this afternoon with a little kit she bought. She was really tan, and it looked pretty good, there was a few touch up spots...but it was worth the money! Shannon claims she's going to get Tan-arexic after just one time. She said Ashley was already getting sassy with her new tan! Lol :) we had a really fun time letting the kids be kids. We ate pizza for dinner (always a fan favorite) and had a dance party to burn some calories afterwards!!😜🍕 One dance and I was out of breath. Hunter gets in his groove and sweet P was born with her moves!! Poor Dallas rocks his white boy style passed down from his Daddy...  We enjoyed spending time with those who care about us. 

When we left, I had to get air in my tire (of course) Dallas fell asleep quickly after we started driving...which left my mind to wander while driving those dark roads, and flipping between radio stations. A man who my mother, Lance and plenty of our friends worked beside and for, for years passed away this morning. He was very funny, and Lance used to come home telling me stories of the stuff he said. I didn't know Jim well enough, but he was always a character when I was around him. From reading some of his post left by his friends, he will be truly missed. He was encouraging, uplifting, and an inspiration to many in the car business. He helped many men and women get off to a good start. Mostly, it's sad to know you won't see that person here on earth again. Life is too short and precious for all the day to day drama we get caught up in. It breaks my heart that Lance and I are at such odds with each other. I don't know when; if ever, I'll truly get over him. My head and my heart are so conflicted. It keeps me spinning, that's for sure. I feel very emotional about it & wish others could understand. 😔 Never would I wish the feelings of pain, heartbreak, confusion, false hope and uncertainty on my worst enemy. It's all so very hard...I take teeny tiny baby steps and even the smallest things are big accomplishments for me!! 😕 It reminds me of Dory from Finding Nemo! "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming swimming!"

 

I HAVE to move on--to bigger, and better things!! I don't want to beg someone to be with me. I will wait for someone to share my life with, that WANTS to be there! There are so many good quotes I enjoy. One is, "You can move forward if you keep re-reading the last chapter." It's so true. Lance and I had some ugly words back and forth tonight. I hate fighting with him, because deep down I still love him and always will. I'm just hurt (as is he) and wish things were different. But there not...so stop it Korie Anne!!! 😣 I have to stay strong and keep trucking. The good news: no tears from bickering back and forth. Few tears on the way home while driving, but none since I've been home!! 😏 it's the little things people!! 

On a positive note: hopefully I'll work tomorrow night and make a little cash flow! Also, Sunday morning church can't come fast enough! 😇 I am in desperation of words from the good book!! I need to set my attitude and my mind right. REFOCUS! 🙏🏻 Lord, thank you for the work you are doing in my life. I trust in you, that it's your timing and what's meant to happen will. Thank you Lord For keeping me positive and keep me close to you in our walk. In Jesus name I pray, AMEN. 

Testing, testing...

Testing, testing...Is this thing on??? After talking with my mom this evening at dinner, she encouraged me to start writing on my blog again. I told her I didn't know what to say...if I had anything to say. And the things I was thinking can be pretty negative. I was told, "if I didn't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." However, she reminded me I had to start somewhere. I used to write to my notepad in my phone. As I get braver and stronger, I have deleted those ugly notes where I used to vent. I no longer need to remind myself of certain things, events or dates where nastiness has occurred! Movin' onward and upward!! 

Which leads to making big girl decision and planning the rest is of my life. There aren't "family" decisions to be made, just what's right for my big man and myself!! 

Dallas starts Pre-K this fall and I want to be ready to start my journey on how to financially support D and I. It's not going to be easy, and I'm sure I will fail from time to time. BUT, I am strong! I am tough! My God is bigger than any of my worst fears! With Him on my side, what really stands a chance against me?!? 

Between God and my Bubba, I can do 

anything and everything I put my mind to!! I am ready for the next adventure in our lives! I am ready to provide for my son, and never again will I depend on a man! (My Mom taught me that young, but of course I had to find out for myself) haha!! I will never invest all of me in another relationship again! Guess that's some of the aftermath of going through a divorce. It's just part of it 😕 but I am stronger than I was! So there, that was a pretty good start for this evening. Dallas stayed the night with his Daddy at his apartment. Mom and I enjoyed dinner at Fatted Calf in downtown Rockwall. 

It's SO nice to have a cold glass of wine, an appetizer and a yummy summer salad. Although, the feeling of missing your baby and wondering what he's doing never subsidies 😟 I look forward to picking him up in the morning, very early! 

Goodnight world! Thank you Lord for blessing me with another day on this earth, spent with my son! I couldn't ask for more! I thank you for the work you are doing in my life and I ask that you keep me close to you in this journey. Show me the ways to please you Almighty! I am ready for positive changes and trust in you Lord. In Jesus name I pray, AMEN