Tough day for me

Today was such an emotional day for me :( we went to Kenzie's 4th birthday party, and Dallas actually played in the kiddie pool for a little bit. He is not impressed with swimming or water in general! It makes me feel sad for him to have such a fear. Water parks and pools should be like 2nd nature for us! We live in Texas and HAVE to survive the summers with outdoor water activities! It's just too hot.  Lance met at the pool with plans to take Dallas afterwards. I've done soooo good this whole week! I didn't cry this whole week! I've stayed busy and made several efforts and attempts to keep Lance off my mind. It's what I NEED to do, and HAVE to do...but it's so hard. I don't allow myself to put my feelings Into our relationship. He doesn't care for me, I just haven't gotten that through my heart yet. It all seems so unfair. We bicker and don't see eye to eye on a lot. It's just better this way. (I keep telling myself this) (fake it until you make it, right?!?) I just have so many mixed emotions and feelings about moving on. It's very hard when I have to see him because I am still attracted to him. Staying strong is hard because everything is so different now. After the party, Dallas left his Daddy and I dropped my mom off at home. While driving to meet for dinner with friends, I had about 30 minutes with too much alone thinking time. I love nothing more than to turn the radio up, drive and think! But it can get you in trouble. When I got there, I made sure my tears were gone, and was ready to enjoy some yummy snacks and burgers...and WINE!!! When Dallas isn't with me, it truly feels unnatural:-/ I honestly hate it!!! I feel like I'm missing out, or I'm going to miss something funny or important he says or does. This is the way it is now and I just have to cope until I pick him up the next morning. Driving home was another little batch of crying. I think it's my natural way of releasing tension and stress. I was excited to reapply for Medicaid and see a therapist of some sort. However, I didn't get approved so I am writing as therapy ;-) works well for me! It helps get stuff off my chest, and out of my mind! 

Dallas and I will be school supply shopping this week! He starts pre-K August 24th and I couldn't be more excited for him to learn and be in a classroom setting! However, I will definitely miss my running buddy!!!! Like more than I think I realize. I have been thinking of what on earth I'm going to do to occupy my time and my mind! I want to get a part time job, just not sure where. Or when! I have this amazing opportunity to start my life over, and I want to do well. It's stressful knowing I have so much riding on my shoulders. It's not just about recovering from a divorce and getting back on your feet to pay bills. It's about self respect and providing financially for my son and I. It's about self worth and teaching my son to overcome obstacles that life throws at us. I want to be a hero to him. That's the most important thing to me, him and his well being. Tomorrow is another day. I need to get some sleep and tackle some chores and errands tomorrow. Good night world!